Friday, May 14, 2010

Tell me what you want, what you really, really want

Dissection, deception. I smoke, I drink, I smoke again. I wanted to get at the core of the matter, now that I've gotten there, I just want to sleep. It all sounds pathetic when you break it down, but I can’t shake the feeling that it’s better than living a folly.

We sell our dreams so cheaply only because our dreams are so cheap. I want this, I want that. I want my cake and to eat it too. The oil is flowing into the gulf, our food, our beaches, are full of the shit, but still we want our cars. What's happening, let’s break it down, I’m begging you, even if it becomes to clear to handle.

We’re crazy now, let’s go all the way. Really, if you think about it, how much worse can it get. The raucous sleep of the insane seems more sane than the concept of a soundless sleep. Or am I supposed to believe that I am still a baby, or even worse, that babies sleep a peaceful sleep.

Yes, sleep. Let’s hide away in the land of dreams where things happen to us and we relinquish all control. Tonight I cut apart a heart and found only flaccid muscle.

Drink drink drink, sleep will come. It’s just another glass away. I’ll sleep like a baby. But if you look at the data who wants that. The truth is, that more than 70 percent of infants and toddlers have a Baby Sleeping pattern problem, at least according to the National Sleep Foundation. I have a sleeping pattern problem too, I thought I could dissect the cause and cure it. In the end I realized that I’m still a baby - I just want my needs met.

It’s amusing the constructs of us big babies. Self actualization is just one example. Sure, in theory it sounds so right. Pretty words, even from un-pretty faces, always sound so nice. The actions that follow, at least after the love fest that leaves our ears ringing is over, always seems a little bit more raw. Words, and their promise, never live up to their potential. But never mind, just sleep, tomorrow is another day.

I woke up at 4:16 with a slimy feeling and slimy grey skies. The remorse and questioning of a hebrew. My sleeping pattern was off, I just couldn’t forget. At 6:20 I smoked my first cigarette. Today I said, I will find out the truth, in reality it was the first thing I desired and the last thing I wanted. You see I am human too, a baby in an old mans body. The only difference is when I want to cry I can’t. I always remember the funny side of our folly. It’s not drama we live but comedy, no matter how tragic the outcome appears.

When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet. Really, I want to believe, but how do I remove the stains of the freshly dissected heart laying in my bed.


  1. Sounds like a trip west to see family and friends is in order. One more month of whatever you're doing, then a few good weeks of solid mental relaxation. Late nights by the lake with a glass of good scotch and plenty of conversation will refresh the soul and remind us that we have a good gig when we're all together. Just a few more weeks....